Empty Heart

Something Old and Discovered

I found a notebook while cleaning up and reorganizing through this renovation period. For those that have known me far too long, the dates of these particular entries are somewhat meaningful. Late July 1995 to late July 1996…the period between when wife number two left me and mere weeks before I fell down, went boom and altered my life a bit.

December 19, 2010 at 4:06pm

Gathered Rain

When will I gather rain?

Cool clean water

wash away my pain.

When will I find the pieces?

Slow march puzzle

rearrange my senses.

The answers are not in this room

blackened nightshade fights the gloom.

Rain keeps fallin’, chill is deep

hard to tell when I’m asleep.

Who could it be, that I may find?

Stand alone in this, my time

A hear will beat, alone it seems

defiant of these restless dreams.

When will I gather rain?

Who would stand by me

in days of pain?

 

November 12, 1995

Stand Alone

I stand alone

watch the days go by

I work and wait

I’m not sure why

The moments of my life are frozen

The days she loved me are gone, are over

I need a smile, a warm caress

I long for truth, for love undressed

Bury my heart behind a tree

Raise the sun

discover me.

 

November 27, 1995

Lady

Lady lady

what have you done to me?

Tore my heart out and set me free

Lady lady

where are you now?

Find my way out but I don’t know how.

I searched for sun, all I found was rain

Dug for love, unearthed my pain

Lady lady

where will I go?

Hide the dark and let light show

 

January 3, 1996

Dark Road

If a dark road took me

would I ride?

would I run?

The sun beats vainly

upon cold rocks

tossed in ruin

Answer to questions

lost in asking

found in silence

The silence I once feared

now an ally

strength anew

Dark road take me

my light

my time

my rhythm

 

May 24, 1996

Dream of Angels

I had a dream I was alone

then I awoke.

In my sleep, wind howled and moaned

but she never spoke.

Quiet stillness my master now

Dream of angels.

Roaring silence yet shows me how

see not the dangers.

I had a dream I was alone

…it came true

Days are wasted beside the phone

out of the blue.

 

May 31, 1996

This Life

I saw the sun

struggle with the fog

and lose

yesterday

I watched the moon

sail through the sky

and smile

last night

This life is mine

explore

laugh

cry

enjoy

Mother taught me to think

to love

live

enjoy

 

June 14, 1996

Child’s Dream

When I was a child

I dreamed of childish things

When I thought I was a man

the child retreated, for a while

Now I want to be a child

to taste those things

that haunt me

taunt me

tease me

Make me a child again.

Endless summer days

chasing gophers, baling hay, sweating buckets

and loving it.

I stand proud of what I am

where I come from

where I’ve been.

Flowing wheat fields

golden harvest, I owe you one.

Hold my heart fast

sweat rolling

how I miss that.

*I would not give up where I am and what I think is going to happen over the next few years. It would take more than imagination allows to forget what I learned out on the cold/hot harsh prairie. Work, work, work and you just may succeed!!! I’m outta here!!!**

July 14, 1996

No more entries after this point. My injury occurred August 6, 1996 @ 0220hours.

Author: Jamie Stewart

Currently and quite possibly permanently living in the beautiful Comox Valley, Vancouver Island BC. I had spent many years living in Halifax but decided to opt for a milder climate a few years ago and wrangled a move here. I'm 54 years old and have been living with a spinal cord injury for almost 19 years now. As a result of that injury I am paraplegic, a definition I am not always comfortable with. I don't like being defined by what physical limitations I may have but I also don't get bent out of shape about it. Changing public perception of physical disabilities is a long process, one I have embraced and participated in through several volunteer programs over the years. I am an avid sailor (without a boat) and as retirement looms (yes I have continued working full time since recovering from the initial injury), I am pondering how to fill my time in a meaningful way. Traveling more, see the sights of this great country is high on my list. Increasing my involvement in volunteer programs that benefit the physically disabled and just simply trying to enjoy what life has to offer are my goals.